Thursday, April 3, 2008

Went To The Cardiologist

Okay, I had my checkup at the cardiologist on March 25th. Yep over a week ago and I can just now talk about it without losing it. So here's the results, not good, but not life threatening either. Just upsetting to me.

The day started out horrible, I was still sick with that congestion head cold thing, and had lost my voice because of it. I had just started my cycle, and since the heart surgery my cycle's have been longer and more painful, and I was bloated on top of that and PMSing, BIG TIME! And I had a start of a migraine. If I hadn't already had to reschedule this appointment I would have called and cancelled. But, I went.

First off my blood pressure was slightly elevated, so little in fact that if I was a normal person they wouldn't even blink an eye at it. But because of the heart surgery, they are freaking out! So, they upped my blood pressure medication, so now I take 50mg of a medicine that makes me tired, and I thought that I was having problems getting everything done before!

Keep in mind that I am emotional and hormonally at my limit, logic is not a strong point if mine on a good day, I tend to act and think emotionally. Hey, I am a woman! Anyway, the doctor says something like, "Hey, you know if you lost a little weight, it would probably help get your blood pressure under control." But what do I hear? "Hey, you fat hog if you just got up off your lazy butt we wouldn't have to up your medication." I told you, I'm emotional.

I am not stupid, I know that I need to lose weight, at the doctor's office I weighed 218. The most I have ever weighed! Even more than I weighed when I was pregnant, both times. So, I already feel like a loser.

I want to get down to 150, I was 12 pounds away before my surgery. Then I had the second surgery, and physically I recovered faster this time but emotionally, well let's just say I am still dealing with that part of the recovery.

After surgery I got so depressed, mostly about all the things I would be giving up forever. I think that I could have dealt with almost everything that I have had to give up but, I am still having problems, even some days now, that I will no longer be able to have children. Me the one who has always wanted to have a house full of kids, can no longer have any more.

So, how did I deal with my depression? I ate and shopped my way into oblivion. Not the logical choices for someone who is trying to lose weight and who's family is working so hard to get out of debt! So where does this leave me? At the heaviest weight I have ever been and still not out of debt.

Anyway, back to the doctor's, after I heard him tell me I should lose weight I was devastated. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up with a tub of ice cream or some chocolate and have a pity party for myself and then go shopping. I wanted to just cry and yell and blame someone for what I was going through. I don't cry in front of people, so I didn't cry at the doctor's, and I had the girls with me so waited until we got in the car and I was driving home before I let the tears fall, praying the whole time that the girls would keep themselves entertained so I didn't have to let them see me cry.

This time though, I was able to see that I was trying to drown my feeling with food and shopping and I resisted the urge and I went home. Erik was still there and I was able to cry on his shoulder and yell and scream and get it all out emotionally.

So, now I am on a mission, a mission that I have to tell everyone so I can be accountable. I am going to lose the 60 pounds by the end of the year! I will be 150 pounds, I will be able to decrease my medicine, and I will be thankful for everything I do have. When a blue day hits I will look at what I do have and be grateful. I will be fit and healthy, I will have a wonderful family, and we will be out of debt. (As of this morning I weigh 214. Go me! Go me!)

This time I am mad and determined enough to do it. For anyone who knows me, the best way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can't or to tell me something that I already know in a "you're so stupid, Marci" kind of way. So, even though the doctor didn't say the things the way that I heard them, it upset me enough, that I am going to do this to show him!

Not the best attitude to have and this is a quality that I have always had and it's something that I have to work on. Unfortunately, I sometimes see this same quality in my girls and I want to scream. How did my mom ever put up with me?! I'm sorry mom and dad for everything I ever put you through!!


Michelle said...

You go girl!! I mean you can't do it!! Your going to fail!! ;) Hope that helps!! Thanks for this entry!! We love you and know you can do it!!

Monty&Kristin said...

Hey Marci,
That was a nice entry. It was great to hear you explain what is going through your head and all your emotions. Wow. I'm so sorry. I'm excited for you new focus. I know you will be able to do this!! Love ya!